Ok, this whole thing needs to be posted, because J.C. Murphy is now my new idol. I literally started hyperventilating while reading that review.
"The first time I wore these pants, I tried to capture the spirit of the animal print from which they came: the Zebracorn (50% Zebra / 50% Unicorn = 100% real. See Google). I would wear these pants with nothing more than Crocs on my feet and hair on my chest, and prance around the block like the mighty, legendary Zebracorn. It was kind of like skipping, using an intermittent hop, kind of a gallop. Yes, definitely a gallop. And I held my hands in front of my chest like I wasn't exactly sure what to do with them. People would ask if I was gay as I pranced around. I'd smile, wave, and wish them a happy day too. Then one day my friend explained to me that those people used a redefined meaning of that word. I didn't know they did that! (Change word meanings, I mean.)
So I got worried. No more prancing around the block. To help protect myself from the block bullies who changed words, I decided to take Capoeira lessons. I wore these pants to every lesson. For years worth of lessons, my pants never failed me. They didn't fade, and the stripe lines never blurred. My confidence roared, like a Zebracorn! I was so elite that I entered every Street Fighter contest and won!
I became so confident that people began to call me "cocky". I tried to get them to call me "Corny" in respect to the legendary Zebracorn, but it didn't work. Eventually the name "Cocky" grew on me. I decided to officially adopt it and took on the street fighting name of Giant Cock. My logo was a Cock with a pirate's eye patch. I shaved it into my chest hair! It looked so good with these pants. The women flocked to me like Hens. I asked if they wanted to be my towel girls. They said yes! They were so proud to be able to towel the sweat off the Giant Cock after a fight.
In my youth I was strong and stood tall. But after years of fighting, and just plain old age, I had problems staying up against almost any opponent and would get knocked out easily. Usually less than one round. I had to retire. As a sign of my past life behind, I burned my Cock Fight pants at sea. There were no ashes, just melted goop.
Now, after breakthroughs in science and bad economies, I'm so happy to see these pants make a come back. I've been going through physical therapy, taking steroids, and have started fighting again. I couldn't find a Cock t-shirt to symbolize the rebirth of my career, but I found a wolf one! Breakthrough Wolf T-Shirt - Available in Various Sizes But I still wasn't complete without my Zubaz! I ordered a pair, and am waiting for delivery. Very soon the Giant Cock shall return!
Order a pair of Zubaz pants and you too can be a Giant Cock!
Pros: Turns you into a Giant Cock. Doesn't burn easily.
Cons: None! "
I'm trying to remember... but I don't think I've ever heard anything more ridiculous in my life.